FakeUrban: Worst August Ever

What a crappy last few weeks. I was in my office at the Woody Hayes Athletic Center on Aug. 1, preparing my team ready for the start of fall camp. Then I was told to stay home indefinitely. That sucked. My summer vacation was extended for weeks. Many of you have asked what I did to pass the time. I learned a lot. Among the highlights:

* I watched a lot of TV and noticed there are a lot of opportunities to become a truck driver. Some pay up to 55 cents a mile and offer signing bonuses up to $7,500. Who knew?

* I walked around my house one day and noticed we have four fireplaces.

* I learned you can actually bid $1 on The Price Is Right and that actually increases your odds of standing next to Bob Barker’s replacement in hopes of winning a new dinette.

* There’s actually a festival near my neighborhood in Dublin, Ohio, that honors Irish people. Unfortunately, the festival played loud music late at night and that displeased me.

* I learned how to play Fortnite and quit after I reached Level 80.

* I found out that some “journalists” post stuff to Facebook.com and can change their story. I researched if that concept would also work so that we could alter last season’s outcome against Iowa and I’m pretty sure no one would notice.

* One day I put black duct tape on 20 pieces of furniture, mostly chairs and couches. Once I sat on each of them and felt comfortable, I removed that black stripe and held a small ceremony, officially welcoming it as official members of my home.

* I learned that Jim Harbaugh blatantly lied at Big Ten Media Days about having a really good football team but my not knowing about an ARREST THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN is cause for suspension... or worse.

* I found a rectangular-shaped object in my kitchen that has a door on it. It has buttons on it, including one that says POPCORN. I closed the door and pressed the button, but nothing happened. But once I put a bag of popcorn inside, VOILA - there was eventually popcorn I could eat.

* There’s a town near Columbus named Powell that’s always in the news. Some really crazy people live there and there’s a Chipotle restaurant there that sickened hundreds.

I was finally allowed to head on campus on Aug. 22. A bunch of middle-aged white men, a couple ladies and Clark Kellogg convened to discuss my future. That was a weird day. I arrived in the morning and a bunch of cameramen ran toward my car. Some guy asked me to park near a dumpster and that reminded me that we were just 94 days from our game against that Team Up North.

I was brought into a room and sat around there for hours. There were a bunch of people walking around but there were no TVs, no way to know what the middle-aged white men, a couple ladies and Clark Kellogg were saying about me and there was no way I could play Fortnite. @Spinnershells joined me later in the morning and we just stared at each other for hours. At one point, a woman who resembled Pete Rose came up to me and she said she was the lead investigator and used to run the SEC from 2013-17. I told her that I left Florida and the Southeastern Conference in 2011 so it was no wonder our paths never crossed.

Pete Rose finally took the microphone around 9:55 p.m. and said I’d have to miss the first three games of the 2018 season. That displeased me. She also said my boss Gene Smith would be suspended too. Not that losing Gene mattered, but that also was a bit disconcerting. Essentially Charlie Hustle said I should have known about an arrest that happened even though it didn’t happen; I did not deliberately lie at Big Ten Media Days even though Harbaugh told all the reporters he had a really good team this season; and finally, I should begin opening every piece of mail inside the Woody Hayes Athletic Facility. I vehemently disagreed with the Hit King’s rulings and was so pissed I could barely focus on questions from the media. Who wouldn’t be upset after the day and month I had?

I begrudgingly accepted the suspension Drake (the University president, not the rapper) recommended and watched us pound Oregon State from my living room 10 days later. Granted it was odd eating pizza and watching the Buckeyes play and I admittedly had difficulties finding ESPN News after play resumed after that rain delay, but I was happy with the way my team played. Now I get to blow my whistle and can get my team ready for Stupid Rutgers and TCU, but I can’t go to the games (and pick up valuable airline and hotel points for that trip to Texas).

Our team won’t miss a beat with me away from the sideline. Don’t you worry. I’m pretty sure there’s a better chance you’ll see Brett McMurphy dotting the “i” in Script Ohio than you’ll see my team falter. Onward to a much better September, October, November, December and January. Chipotle, anyone?