Each year, I’m told the big TV networks have what they call parties for their affiliate TV stations. I was told to be on my best behavior for our clients - in other words - being amicable to guys named Ned who work at stations in Albuquerque and a place called the Quad Cities in Iowa. It’s a thankless job but I put on a good face, smiled for fans/FOX affiliate people from Albuquerque, posed for pictures and ate free food. We even went to some wrestling thing at the STAPLES Center in Los Angeles since FOX apparently will stage fake outcomes for professional messages later this fall.

The stupid Friday night shenanigans didn’t allow me to prepare me for the job of analyzing football but there really wasn’t much football between Iowa and That Team Up North to watch on FOX so I faked it well. That game really sucked as I counted down the seconds between Michigan State and Ohio State.

Since I work at FOX, I’m really not allowed to watch Saturday Night Football on ABC but I convinced some camera guy by the name of Vince to put a TV set just to my left so I could turn my back away from Matt Leinart and watch the game. It couldn’t have been more perfect. The problem was our team got off to a slow start. We forced a couple of early turnovers and blitzed the hell out of that quarterback Lou Werky but the first quarter was tight.

Our offense finally figured things out in the second quarter when our offensive line started blocking, J.K. Dobbins started running, Bin Victor started catching and even our tight ends whose names I often forget got into the act. This was fun. Werky and Sparty never seemed to be a scoring threat and that pleased me. Justin Fields threw his first interception in two years but otherwise he was solid. We really need our field goal kicker to be more consistent in making - wait for it - field goals and then we should be fine.

Now it’s a bye week for the team but not for me. I’ll continue to meet with Ohio State players and coaches and give them advice about what to do the next thirteen days. Yes. Thirteen. We have that stupid Friday football game against Northwestern. Their offense might even be more incompetent than those schools in Ann Arbor, East Lansing and now Iowa City. Let’s get healthy, play basic ball enough to beat the hell out of Northwestern and get ready to sadden Wisconsin.

I really have nothing else to say here but the editor told me to write several paragraphs and I think I’ve done my job. Perhaps if I have time, I’ll write a six-week half regular season recap next week for my insight on why we’re 6-0 and already bowl eligible. Okay. That’s my column. Until next week, this is FakeUrban signing off.