8/27/2019 football Edit

FakeUrban ranks Ohio State’s opponents

I remember coaching like it was just last year (USA Today Sports Images)

Fake Urban Meyer

@FakeUrban

I have a lot more time to write columns like this since I’m no longer coaching. This time I’ve decided to rank Ohio State’s opponents this season, from the easiest to the hardest games in the regular season. Let’s start with the cupcakes first.

12. Miami, Ohio - A MAC school, the week after our Big Ten opener and before our first road game of the year, at Nebraska. This is the perfect letdown game but I’m soooo glad our opponent is Miami. Sorry, Miami. You might be the best college football program in Butler County, but not in the state of Ohio. You stink and we appreciate the easy W.

11. at Stupid Rutgers - Sorry, Chris Ash. You’re a good coach but you’re stuck somewhere in New Jersey, trying to coach a lost cause to respectability. We appreciate the easy November road game.

10. Florida Atlantic - When the most exciting thing about this game is seeing Lane Kiffin show up, that means the quality of the opponent just isn’t there. This will be a good test to see just how the Buckeyes play against someone other themselves.

Maryland played us a lot closer than most people were expecting (USA Today Sports Images)

9. Maryland - Last year we gave up 51 points to Maryland and still won. This year we’ll score considerably more points and surrender considerably less.

8. at Indiana - This team used to give me fits. Ryan Day is a smart man and will find another team from the Big Ten to give him fits. Let’s hope it’s not from that state up north.

7. Wisconsin - The Badgers will be an up and down team. When we play them, Wisconsin fans will harken back to their glory days when Alex Hornibrook was their quarterback.

6. Michigan State - Mark Dantonio will pull out all the stops and try to ruin our homecoming. But Sparty has no offense and as long as their stupid windup kicker toy stays away from Columbus, we should be good.

5. Cincinnati - Yep. This will be our fifth toughest game of the season. Luke Fickell has had this game marked on his calendar since he took the job. He has a bunch of starters returning and his team could very well give us a scare. Sorry, Cincinnati. You might be the best college football program in Hamilton County, but not in the state of Ohio.

4. at Northwestern - A game at a Big Ten West opponent. We’ve been through this before. And dozens of Northwestern fans will be so pumped to see their team play in front of a packed house. Then they’ll realize their stadium is packed with Buckeye fans. Our team will realize they’re more talented than them and pull away.

Penn State comes to Columbus this season (USA Today Sports Images)

3. Penn State - The Nittany Lions will play one of the easiest schedules in college football. However they SHOULD fall flat on their faces when they arrive in Columbus. The problem is that this game is the week before our trip to crappy Ann Arbor. This will again be a closely played game before we prevail.

2. at Nebraska - Another game at a Big Ten West opponent. We’ve been through this before. That miracle worker Scott Frost wants this to be his signature win. That Martinez kid knows how important this game is and he wants nothing more than to be hated in Columbus, joining names like Juice Williams and Tim Biakabatuka.

1. at That Team Up North - It’s time to bitterly disappoint Captain Khaki again and his misguided fans. By the end of the season, let’s hope they have a lot on the line and are saying this is the year their revenge tour is back on track. Not so fast, Jimmy. Make it eight straight wins. Eat it, Harbaugh.