FakeUrban breaks down Ohio State’s win over FAU

I’m writing this from somewhere high above California or Nevada after spending 12-plus hours sitting in a chair, talking college football while wearing makeup, after somebody combed my hair and picked out a suit and tie for me to wear.

Fox Sports hired me to analyze college football games but it was really weird sitting so damn close to Matt Leinart. His left knee kept touching my right knee. Then there was Reggie Bush who seemed to really care about how he looked in his picked out clothes rather than discussing football. Brady Quinn, meanwhile, fell for my old lip balm/lipstick joke and everybody across the country said his lips were red. Sucker.

That’s not why you clicked on this story. You want to my opinion about how Ohio State looked in their 45-21 dismantling of Florida Atlantic. Let me tell you something. Right after our pregame show, I went to the bathroom. When I returned to the set, we were up 21-0. That displeased me. Neither Bush nor Leinart wanted to tell me who scored, how we scored or anything. Quinn kept checking his phone to see the score for the Notre Dame game. I didn’t have the heart to tell him they were off until Monday night. Our host, Matt Stone... wait, I’m now thinking his name is Rob... kept checking his hair in the mirror.

I finally found some intern and asked him to provide me a stat sheet to see who scored but the intern seemed scared that Urban Meyer was actually acknowledging his presence and was talking to him. Finally around the beginning of the second quarter, the woman who combed and sprayed my hair, printed the stats for me. By then the score was 28-0 in the second quarter. Then Gus Johnson wanted to talk to me during the game about what it’s like not to coach Ohio State and sit with four other guys watching football, wearing makeup and wearing suits and ties.

At one point a play was being reviewed and “rules expert” Mike Periera started talking. I looked to my left and there was Mike Periera, wearing suspenders, chewing gum and acting like he was watching Ohio State and Florida Atlantic. Bulls***. He was eating popcorn!!! TV lies.

Anyways, the stat sheet said Fields played well in his first game. He even threw the ball to tight ends, something I pretty much ignored because Jake Stoneburner, the first tight end I inherited at Ohio State, was once arrested for peeing on the wall of a daycare center. Thinking all my tight ends would pee on the wall of a daycare center, I generally made sure our tight ends wouldn’t be part of our offense. Ryan Day = fresh start. Now you know.

Defensively, the hair stylist lady told me the Silver Bullets were flying around, wreaking havoc on their quarterback and saddening Lane Kiffin. I was pleased. Unfortunately once I really started watching the game, Florida Atlantic played better. There should be a lot for our coaches to coach and our players to learn before Luke Fickell and his Bearcats come to town.