Fake Urban’s Big Ten West Prediction

Although I’m not coaching anymore, I’m still allowed to have an opinion. That’s why FOX Sports has hired me as an analyst. I’ll be paid handsomely to sit next to handsome Brady Quinn and give my honest opinions. So here’s how I see the Big Ten West, from seventh place to first.

Not only am I going to predict that Lovie Smith will be fired this season, but I’m also predicting the date: Sunday, November 10th, after they get hammered by Michigan State. Illinois will win its first three games of the season against Akron, UConn and Eastern Michigan and then won’t win again. The 3-7 Illini will then drop their final two games with a coach whose first name will probably be named Ned.

This pains me so much because Purdue generally wins one important game each decade and then returns to irrelevance. They won that game last season and now I don’t feel like discussing Purdue anymore.

We won’t play the Gophers this season and we won’t play them in the Big Ten Championship game because they will finish fifth.

See Purdue. However please replace the word “Purdue” with “Iowa” and “last season” with “two seasons ago” when applicable.

I’m going to interrupt this prediction column to bring you an important message. Notice the teams I predicted to finish 4-7 not only will suck, but none of them play The Ohio State University. That means the three top finishers in this division have the privilege of losing to — oops — playing us. That means we need to look at the teams having the most difficult crossover games in the east besides their loss to Ohio State.

Sorry Badgers. Not only did you lose to us twice in the Big Ten Championship game this decade (including 59-0 tee hee hee), but you also have games against That Team Up North, Michigan State and at Ohio State. You’re screwed. Enjoy beating up on teams like Central Michigan and Kent State and you might somehow qualify to play for the MAC championship.

They think they’re so smart at a Northwestern but REAL COLLEGE TEAMS DON’T PLAY ON FRIDAY NIGHTS. This Oct. 18 game against my former team is stupid and their fans inside their high school looking stadium will be disappointed since we’ll have 13 days to prepare and should take care of them. Oh wait, Northwestern also will have 13 days to prepare but they’ll still lose that game. They will also lose to Stanford, Michigan State, Wisconsin, Nebraska and us, but they’ll win the rest of their games to secure a second-place finish.

Yep. Scott Frost will guide his Cornhuskers and their misguided fans into the Big Ten Championship. It won’t be because they’re a good team, but it doesn’t play anyone relevant except their Sept. 28 home game when they’ll lose to Ohio State. They also play East teams Indiana and Maryland (yawn) so they could also lose to Northwestern and Wisconsin and STILL win the West.

In my next column, you’ll see my prediction for the Big Ten East. SPOILER ALERT: Stupid Rutgers will not win the division.